Just how much have I lost?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

just another day trying to figure things out

So if you recall from yesterday i realized I could never eat bread again and I think I came to terms with that. Today we went to the mall and I had a fantastic salad from Saladworks which is not what I normally get when I go there. Normally I would have gotten the chicken terrayki with extra sauce. But you know rice is out, and obviously if I can't eat bread Subway won't work either.
Feeling pretty good about that kept walking in the mall and had a coupon for a free pretzel from Aunt Annies which of course I had to redeem. I gave most of it to my kids but on the way to the car I was like "It's not really bread I can have a little piece" And I proceeded to eat a bite. and I chewed, and chewed, and was worried, and chewed till it was almost a paste in my mouth and I thought to myself. Is it really worth it? Am I really enjoying this pretzel with the fear and the work I have to go through. You can't even taste it after chewing it a million times, so why even bother having it at all. I just don't think it is worth it.

But in other news I come home and there are left over cookies I made and I have been eating them so much the past few days. Every single time I walk by them I pick one up and eat it. And every time I eat one, I want another and another. Yesterday I had 6. That is right I had 6 cookies. Which is why I haven't had cookies in my house since I got banded in December. If I have cookies I eat them and I just can't stop, it is just sad. But the thought of throwing them away is painful to me. So they sit on the counter calling out my name. Today I had 4, down from 6 as long as I don't grab another on my way to bed. What I have learned is some foods like cookies I still feel like I have no control over. And this is why I know I needed the band. I need something to tell me when I am done. I have never been able to stop eating. Even as a toddler I remember my mom telling me that a babysitter once called her and asked "Do I stop feeding her when I think she is full or when she thinks she is full?" Maybe it is something you are born with? Or born without? I don't know but I just have never felt like I had control over food or had a full feeling until I got the band. That is why it is life changing for me. To feel full and leave a plate that still has bites left on it is something I am not used to. And it still is hard. I feel like I should be shipping my plate to a starving child somewhere after all the times my mom said I had to finish because there were starving people that would love to have what I am wasting.

Oh well, have a great holiday weekend everyone. Stay away from the potato salad- I got way stuck on that a few months ago.

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