Things I haven't learned

It's been over three years since my surgery and you would think i would have learned a few things about eating, but I haven't.  I talked to two of my friends who have had the band and they both said they control their eating not the band.  They don't feel restriction but rather they stop eating when they feel they have had enough.  I am not there yet, in fact if I am not there yet after three years will I ever be there?
Will I ever stop thinking about cheese fries at random times of the day?
Will I ever not open the refrigerator and look for things that might be tasty?
Will I ever not want to have a bag of chips just to make my day a little more special?
I don't think so, I'm 40. 
So these past few days have been hard.  Not having restriction is tough.  I have had to talk to myself and convince myself I don't need cheese fries.  I have repeated over and over again to myself that I don't need to check the refrigerator, or have one last cookie. 
Today I gave 2 boxes of break and bake cookies to my neighbor.  I had to get them out of the house.  In the past 2 days I have had at least 10.  And they weren't even that good. 
Yesterday I drank my 20 oz coffee in about 15 minutes, usually it takes me just about an hour and 15 minutes to drink that amount and I would gurgle the whole time.  So it is nice. I have been drinking water too. 
Tomorrow I will get on the scale, I got on today and it was 174 a pound more than when I got the unfill but I was partly blaming that on me being on the last day of my period.  Hoping tomorrow it will be back down and not up.  But it very well could go either way. 
Did i say this is hard?

this is tough

For the past year or so I have just woken up had a cup of coffee and not had any desire to eat,munch or snack until around noon.  Not so this past few days.  I had my coffee and by 9:30 I'm actually hungry, something that I have not felt in a long time.  I started bringing bananas and having one around 10.  Then I have had a salad or one day I had a lean cuisine for lunch.  (something I would never have been able to get down before)
Then when I walk in the house door I am famished.  Luckily I have no chips in the house.  For dinner this week I have had pizza, hamburger helper, and last night we went to burger king.  I ate a whole thing of onion rings, an entire chicken sandwich minus half the bread and of course I had to try their molten lava bites.  Oh my this is terrible. 
No restriction, no spitting, no throwing up, no pressure,nothing. 
But it is nice to be able to drink more and sleep on my stomach! 
I have got to figure out how I can handle this change in me so I don't go crazy and gain ten pounds.
Today I had to say to myself about ten times, just get out of the kitchen, get out of the kitchen. 

reflection pics

me a few weeks before surgery 256 pounds

                                                         



Since everyone likes pictures here are a few to compare.  80 pound weight loss, wish it were 100 but I am happy with where I am.  If I could get some free plastic surgery to cut out excess skin I could wear a much smaller size.  I still wear a 16. 



                                                                                                                       me last summer about 180

Hungry? Oh yea

After looking back at my posts I realized it had been almost a year since I had that fill that set me over the top.  I just can't get over how much that one ml he took out has changed me.  First there has been no gurgling.  I mean none.  So refreshing not to be sitting in a meeting and wondering if everyone is listening to me.
Second I can sleep on one pillow again and on my stomach.  Let the dreams begin.
Third I can drink so much more.  I have had milk, coffee, crystal light and oops can I admit to this some diet dr pepper. MMMM.
Now the downside.  I experienced hunger for the first time in probably a year.  Hunger to a food addict is a bad thing.  A really bad thing.  Good thing I didn't have any chips in the house.  Good thing I have no money to buy any food.  Good thing I am not in the classroom so I didn't eat any Valentines Day goodies leftover from the party.  But I did get a cupcake from a student that I ate with no restriction what so ever.  I also had my normal salad, 3 small slices of frozen pizza, and a large bowl of popcorn.  I think I had two peices of chocolate as well.  Not terrible, like I said i was hungry today. 
For the past 2 weeks I have been doing about 10 - 15 minutes of hard core Just Dance.  I mean keep your bra on, wipe your brow, get a drink of water dance.  Hoping it will help me lose a few or at least negate the extra calories I might be intaking.

unfill

me and hubby earlier this summer.

I finally went to the DR!!  It was the first time I saw my surgeon since my surgery 3 years ago.  Every time since then I have always seen the nurse practitioner.  I felt the need to thank him for giving me my life back.  He of course had no recollection of who I was but was nice about it.  He listened as I told him I needed an unfill.  When he asked why I said it was because I make way too many noises.  As I sat waiting for him and during the entire appt I made my gurgling noises.  It had been 2 hours since I drank anything.  But I did have a mint so maybe that is what made the noises start again? 

I also told him that I threw up the night before when I ate 4 bites of spaghetti.  I was so worried about him being mad at me for waiting to come in for an unfill as I told him it had been at least 6 months since I was feeling this tight.  When I told him part of the reason it took me so long to come in was due to my fear of gaining weight back he just nodded and agreed. I guess i am not the first person with that fear.  His response was, "Well you can stay tight and then gain weight because all you will do is drink and eat bad food"  I also told him I threw up a few times in my sleep.  Then he said well you need to come back in two weeks to make sure you are ok. 

He proceeded to take out 1 ml out of my band very quickly, just a little pinch.  This is the first time I ever had anything taken out of my band so I am used to two shots.  One to numb and one to fill.  Immediately the gurgling stopped, immediately.  It was amazing.  And then of course my first thought was cheese fries. I could really go for some cheese fries.  I didn't though.  I came home made some turkey with pasta and ate probably 2 large spoon fills.  Way more than I would have been able to eat before.  Followed by 2 cookies, and 3 handfuls of chips.  Pitiful I know, I am blaming it on me not eating enough today, and being on my period, and sort of trying the new band out for size. 

The goal tomorrow is to just drink drink drink.  I have not gotten down my liquids in probably8 months and I am hoping tomorrow I can drink what I need to so I don't feel hungry.  Oh that was something else.  At the doctors you had to fill out a questionnaire asking when you normally felt hungry and i realized I never felt hungry.  Head hungry yes, but physically hungry never.  I hope that doesn't change.  The questionnaire also asked how many times you ate chicken, fish, eggs, fried foods, noodles, rice, veggies, fruits, etc.  It made you really think about how badly I eat.

One other thing I am hoping this changes is the ability to lay down on one pillow instead of two and sleep on my stomach.  I can't wait for that to happen, I have slept on my side for way too long.

Guess that is it for today.  Excited about the possibilites of no longer making embarrasing noises all day!

All about the iron

Well it has been a while so I should probably update on what has been going on.  I have been having terrible pains in my legs.  So I went to my primary doctor.  She tested my blood and I came up with low iron.  She tested me again with some more things same results and then referred me to a hematologist. 
I was there for 5 seconds, she reads the results and says how many tampons do you use in a day?  I was like uh I am here because my legs hurt.  She proceeds to tell me that if I have this low iron that my legs are hurting all day I have to be losing blood somewhere.  She then says I need 4 iron transfusions, an ultrasound and a colonoscopy and more blood work.  WHAT! 
So fast forward two weeks.  I had my first iron transfusion on Tuesday.  Painful,like a burning while it was going in then a pain for about 2 hours after it was out.  My arm is still sore 3 days later.  I go again tomorrow.  My legs still hurt but I didn't expect everything to be better after one treatment.
 
I went for my ultrasound yesterday which I thought was just on the outside if you know what I mean.  She says to me , "ok go empty your bladder take your clothes off and then we will insert this inside you to finish the ultrasound"  Hello- I was not mentally prepared for this.  But we got it done and I should know tomorrow if I have fibroids which is causing heavy bleeding and low iron.

While getting the iron they said lap band patients they don't see but they see bypass patients all the time since their bodies no longer absorb the iron they need after the surgery.  So I guess that is a pro of band.

I got down to 173 the lowest I have ever been, but today I was back up to 175.  I been throwing up at least once a week still.  Yes I still need to get an unfill. My dr finally opened up another office closer to me and I plan to go soon.  The problem is I am taking off all this time for these iron appts and then I will have to leave early also for the band appt. It just doesn't look good, my bosses are not good at people taking off. 

I'll keep you posted for anyone who reads this.

well I called another dr.

Me on the alps a few months ago.
I called another doc closer in town to see if they could fit me in sooner.  they said sure but you have to all your records sent here.  then you will need to have a consult before we can do any unfill.  I was like this is just silly.  So I should have called to get all that started but man you know everytime I remember to call it is their lunch break and my lunch break when they are closed. 

I realize I am causing my own problems and not making this any better.  I realize I have been eating unhealthy foods and have gone up to 180 now.  I realize I need to exercise several times a week for this thing to work.  yet I don't, I continue doing the same thing and getting the same result.

I have 4 friends I know that got the band.  One got it a few months after me, lost 20 pounds total.  She has had problems often and found out recently she only had 1 cc in her band.  she has to go get further tests to find out what happened.  She regrets ever getting it done.

Friend 2 got hers done around me also and lost 130 pounds.  She hasn't had a fill in years, exercises daily and looks healthy.  She says I control my eating the band does not.  She obviously has overcome her eating issues.  I have not.

Friend 3 got hers done earlier this year and lost about 40.  She has many of the same issues with eating too much as i do and throwing up.  She still waits like I do to burp, which makes room for another bite.  She doesn't exercise either.  We say we want to exercise together but coordinating schedules is difficult.  I have 2 little ones and a husband who works late.

Friend 4 got hers done earlier this year and lost about 60.  She looks fantastic, exercises every single day! She eats healthy foods but less of it.  I am amazed at her transformation and jealous.  Even though she is still heavier than me scale wise, she looks thinner than I do. 

Well there you have it in review, things you already know.  If you follow what you know is right you get great results, if you don't nothing happens.  Now if only  I could get my butt up and do something.

I am thrilled with my band, and my weight loss. I look normal, everyone tells me how great I look but I know things are not right and will get worse if I don't take measures to fix it,

two months

I finally called the doctor to get an unfill.  do you know when they can fit me in? Two months.   what the heck? 
These are the things that have caused me to call
- I am still sleeping on 2 pillows to keep my head elevated. If I lay flat I make gurgling noise
- I can't lay on my stomach ever
- I did a little burp where something came up in my sleep again
- I am throwing up like four or five times a week after eating chicken, eggs, noodles, etc
- I am having to eat a lot of crunchy foods because they go down easy
- my hair is falling out
- it takes me a long time just to drink anything, which means i am not getting all my liquids in

So all of these things get me to call.  Why did it take me so long? Because I am terrified that I will gain weight when I do.  even with all the things above and the small amount of food I still have not lost a pound in fact this morning I am at 181.  How is that even possible.  I have been hovering around 177 - 179 for months.

I told them I needed to be seen sooner.  They said I need to call back and speak to the office manager.
I guess I'll have to do that tomorrow.

Summer is here

Well summer is here and so are the shorts!  I am ok with wearing shorts now and am acutally trying to find a few new sundresses this year for the first time ever.
yes I am still needing an unfill. I have a few more weeks of school and then I am going to be able to get it done.  Right now getting it would mean leaving work early and I just don't want to do that with this little bit of time left.

My best friend just got her band this past week. She had to do 3 weeks of optifast before the surgery and lost 15 pounds.  then on Monday she had the surgery and has lost an additional 2 pounds since then.  She is texting me often to find out tips and asking me what I remember about when I had the surgery done.  It is funny telling her all about getting in protein and drinking slow and protein shots etc.  yet none of that I do now.  All I do is take my vitamins, and do not drink 30 minutes before or after.

I told her that I don't eat bread anymore or cake and I eat a lot less of everything.  But honestly I know I eat terrible food choices and am getting no where near the 60 grams of protein I used to be getting.

I wonder if she will surpass me on weightloss.  I wonder how quickly she will lose it.  We have both been fat together our entire lives.  I had the surgery 2 and 1/2 years ago and lost about 80 pounds where she has stayed where I was at about 250 for the past 10 years or so. 
I want her to do well, but in a selfish kind of way I don't want her to do better than me.

Maybe once I get my band right I can get back into the correct way of eating.

nothing like throwing up at Girl Scout Camp

I went camping with my girl scout troop this weekend.  I didn't get to choose the foods and I learned two things. 
1. when you can only eat at certain times and not when you want or think your hungry you realize just how much you snack.
2. not being able to choose your foods and eat what is prepared for you causes another set of problems.  It is not always easy to just say no that foods you would like to eat.

I was so mind hungry and stomach hungry since our meals were at 12:30 and 6:30 nothing in between.  I don't really eat breakfast anymore.  So then you get your meal and want to eat everything you can because of the hunger.  For lunch I had lots of cucumbers, and a bag of chips.  The rest of the lunch was peanut butter sandwiches and I was not going to touch them.

For dinner I had maybe 3 noodles and  3 meatballs. Again I was so hungry but even if I wasn't hungry I probably would have eaten the meatballs.  I know it was the pasta that did me in.  Iquickly excused myself and tossed my cookies. 

Yet another sign that I probably need an unfill. 
What happens if I don't get it? What horror storieshave you heard?

almost died in my sleep I tell you

I woke up coughing like crazy.  You know when you swallow down the wrong pipe and can't stop coughing or get your breath?  Well that is what happened.  This was after I had been sleeping for maybe an hour.  I had about 2 large things to drink about 2 hours prior to me going to bed.  I always sit up for at least an hour after drinking then I also put two pillows under my head.  I have been having some rumbling sounds traveling up from mid stomach to my neck. I asked my dr about it and she was like it happens.  Well it happens to me a lot. only after I drink not when I eat.

Anyway I woke up coughing like a manaic.  Run to the bathroom cough so much I finally thow up all what I drank 3 hours ago.  I could tell during my coughing fit that I must have done a little thow up in my mouth which went down the wrong pipe.  I am telling you it scared the mess out of me.

Last time it happened I just woke up but no coughing just a terrible taste in my mouth.  I know I know I should get it checked out but I am terrified the second I get my band changed I will gain weight again.

down a few

Well I have lost a few pounds. this is the first time I have been under 180 in a year. I can only attribute my loss to really trying to
1. drink more during the day. I probably drink 32 oz of water now consistantly. I had stopped completely for a while

2. not eating so much in between meals. i stopped buying stuff out of the vending machine, and try not to have my hand in a bag of m&m's without thinking about it.

3. I have felt really tight these last few days which has helped. When it hurts you are reminded it is time to stop.

Heres to hoping I can continue going down. I tried on a pair of capris this week that were pretty snug from last year. Last year around this time I was 175, so maybe if I lose a few more I will be able to wear them and breathe.

you would think I would be thin as a rail

1 chicken finger from Texas road house made me toss my cookies.
4 bites of a chicken and vegetable wrap made me do the same as well.
you would think I would be as thin as a rail but somehow I always manage to be the same weight.

lies I tell

I decided to read the page on my blog 'foods I eat'. boy I haven't eaten those things for a long time. Egg whites has to have been at least a year. Shake for breakfast 6 months. Tuna, cucumbers, say it ain't so.
Let's rewind today for what is really going down.
- coffee
-2 oreos
-2 taco supremes
-1 bag of cinnamon twists
- a few popcorn chickens my daughter didn't finish
-5 fries
- 1 slice of pizza


And there you have in a nutshell the difference between losing weight and eating terrible. Reality time.

ice cream does it to me every time

I love ice cream. Soft serve ice cream that is. I love vanilla and chocolate. I love Blizzards and McFlurries. And now Burger King has them too. Betcha didn't know that did ya? Well my daughter works there and she often brings home one she can't finish and gives the rest to me. And who can turn down ice cream. tonight she offered me her onion rings she couldn't finish. I had no problems. Then her ice cream that she mixed with oreos and mini m and m's. Oh yeah it was good. I had a few bites and stopped. Gave a few to my younger daughter, then burped a few times and had the last two. Within in three minutes I was in the bathroom spitting away. And after a minute or so I threw it all back up.
I would like to say this is my first time throwing up after eating ice cream, but it isn't. I really need to just say no like Nancy Reagan said so many years ago. Why is it so dag on hard!
In other news I got down to 181, then this morning back to 185. what the hell.