down a few

down to 179.
been eating my peanuts with chocolate chips to get my cravings out.
had tuna for lunch today.
Been drinking much more water.
last night I had a little sliver of brownie and a swig of milk. 2 seconds later i was in the bathroom throwing up. I just can't drink after I eat ever. One day I will learn.

Still haven't exercised yet, that too will come.
Oprah told me I am worthy of happiness. I need to put my positive energy into this. :)

I'm blaming it on Aunt Flow

Yesterday I was 178.7 this morning I wake up and am 181.5. what the hell! How does that happen? And for the last two days I was so good. Ok not so good but a lot better than what I have been. I had my peanuts, cheerios, and chocolate chips as a snack between breakfast and lunch, and lunch and dinner. then I stopped eating at 7. No exercise but I did think about it.

Anyway I said well Aunt Flow is here I will blame it on her but overnight that is just crazy. And what did that motivate me to do today? Eat. I have absolutely no sense, none. I made cookies which was my first mistake I guess. I made it for my kids to be able to sell at our yard sale. Problem is the cookies never made it to the yard sale. My husband never took them out. ( I was yard saleing at other developments) So the cookies stayed in the house and many were eaten by me. I also had a handful of triscuts and maybe 20 cheetos, and a slice of danish. Terrible!

But tomorrow is yet another day and I am taking all the cookies to sunday school so there will be none left. And I have vowed to start exercising Monday. But I swear if I get on the scale and it is more than 181 a number I never thought I would see again I will hurt somebody.

met another bandster

Well last night I went to a retiirement dinner for a friend of mine and I saw another woman who looked normal. By normal I mean not overweight or flabby skin hanging anywhere. I then found out her name and knew she was the woman my friend mentioned that had a band.
After the dinner I went over to her and introduced myself and asked her if she had the band. She said hers was done in march of last year. Faith we will call her lost 155 pounds. So let us review. faith had a band a little over a year ago and lost 155 pounds! She looks great, and says she wears a size 10.
Then I started to do a little math. If she weighed 320 pounds and lost 155 pounds that would put her at 170 right? Only 5 pounds less than me yet I thought she looked so much thinner than I did.
I also asked her what she did and how much she had in her band. This is what Faith told me.
She has 3 cc's in her band - i have 10!
She walks 1 1/4 mile a day during the week, and then 1 1/4 mile twice on Saturdays and Sunday. she just walks that's it. --- I haven't exercised for months.
She keeps track of her protein and gets 60 grams a day. --- I haven't in months.
For snacks she packs peanuts and chocolate chips about a cup of peanuts to keep her sweet and salty cravings down. ----- I just eat everything lately.
She drinks a ton of water --- I probably get 16 ounces in a day not coutning my coffee.

What this means is that i have fallen off the wagon and she has stayed on and looks great.
She inspired me and I got peanuts with chocolate chips for my snack today. I had eggs with turkey and cheese for lunch.
I counted my protein today.
Then dinner came and we had pizza I had 2 1/2 slices, and 4 cookies. Yikes.
But I did do better than what I have been and I drank 36 ounces of water, which is also better.

I have resolved I am going to do better. I worked too hard to get this close to what I want to look like and then quit because of my laziness.

i need help

Well I lost three of the 4 pounds I gained. then I got on the scale today and I gained them all back. and I know why. It could be the 17 handfulls of chow mein noodles I had at
school. Or maybe it was the cookies and cream icecream I had with hot fudge. maybe it was the hotdog, the 50 chips and dip, or 2 bowls of cereal, or 4 cookies.
Why I eat when i know I shouldn't I don't understand. I guess I could get another fill but I think I need some serious therapy. Anybody know where to find a good shrink?

the good the bad and the pounds

The good - I had a fantastic 4 days with just my hubby and no kids so I could truly relax
The bad - When hiking the 7 miles on a moutain trail I hurt my ankles and it is painful to walk
The ugly- I gained 4 pounds in those 4 days. Although I didn't feel like I ate a lot I obviously ate too much bad food. Every morning I bought 2 chocolate croissants and throughout the day I ate them both. I am sure that is worth at least 2000 calories. I also ate a bag of sweedish fish and half a bag of cheetos.
Now how long will it take for me to lose it. I wanted to work out today but my ankles are still killing me. So walking or jogging is so out of the question. I did really good today that is until I did bad. I had coffee like normal, then a salad with chicken for lunch. I bought my friend a donut today and since she didn't come to work I ate it. For dinner I just ate a bowl of cereal and a bowl of popcorn. If I keep my mouth shut the rest of the night I won't feel terrible.
I need to go to bed early otherwise I know I will be eating more.

first time

I bought a dress, in fact I bought 2.... and I wore it last night. (size 14 thank you very much) I did put on a pair of spanx like shorts under it but I wore a dress. For the first time in probably 14 years I wore one and heels. I felt good. I was out with my husband at a banquet for his company and I felt lke I belonged. Last year or was it two years ago I went I wore capris and a shirt and look like a casual bum. But now I was dressed like everyone else and was not self consious.
Today we went out for lunch and I literally had 3 bites of my salad and 7 bites of my ravoli. I brought the rest back to the hotel and it will be my dinner. Acutally just the salad the chicken and ravoli my husband will eat.
Tomorrow we are going to take a 4 mile hike which I think should be fun. One day when I acutally have a camera I will post pics.
Did I tell you I am wearing the same bra size I wore back in high school a 38C. This is down from a 42 DDD. I would love to lose 10 more pounds but since I am not really doing anything to make a change I am pretty sure I will stay at this weight for a while. And guess what I am ok with that. I look normal and can wear clothes that I feel good in.

summer shopping

Well it was 85 here today and jeans were just not an option. I searched for some capris or shorts from last year and put on a pair of 18's. they fell right to the floor. Then I put on a 16 and wore them all day but boy were they falling down. Tomorrow i am going out of town for a couple days and it will be pretty warm and I will be seeing some people I haven't seen in years. I would prefer not to have my pants falling off of me.
I went to the cheapest clothing store there is, Walmart of course, and filled my cart with 150 bucks of clothes. I got 4 large v-neck shirts. 3 collared shirts, 1 denim capri, 1 dress capri for work, a pair of shorts and a khaki pair of capris as well, oh yea and a long sleeve medium shirt for next year tha was on clearance. I also got a night shirt. Now I didn't try anything on, which means I am still a little scared they won't fit. I bought all 14's no elastic this year. I am praying they fit otherwise I will have nothing to wear for the trip.
I took some pictures from easter and I have one from last year so hopefully I can post them side by side for a comparison. I'm off for the week because of spring break! Wanting to get some of the things I have been putting off forever done.

my daughters new job is not a good thing for my band

I now go to Burger King 3 to 5 times a week. For a food addict this is not a good thing. I dropped her off the other day and it was around lunch time so what did I do I picked up lunch. A kids cheeseburger meal. I removed the bread because if I ate it I would so have had keeled over in the car from the pain and probably thrown up as well. So I had the burger and the onion rings. Did you know you could get onion rings with a kids meal? Bonus! I waited for an hour till I drank my kids light lemonade which I doctored up with some sugar free rasberry syrup. (love it)
So that wasn't bad you know. Problem is my younger daughter didn't eat her meal. And you know you can't just waste food. So like 2 hours later I finished her kids meal fries and 1 chicken nugget. I guess still not terrible but not healthy food I should be eating.
In other news, never buy easter candy before easter. It is sort of like halloween candy except it is pink and blue. Just don't do it ladies. Cause your going to eat them. I have managed to eat 3/4 of a bag of peanut m&M's in 3 days. I just can't handle it. That is not to mention the 20 or so easter marshmallows I ate. Which I bought with good intentions to use as a sorting activity with my 2 toddlers. But they were just marshmallows no chocolate. You see how I make excuses to myself that it is not so bad? I feel like Ruby. Anybody watch her this week?
Guess I need to remove my debit card out of my wallet before I drop off my daugther this week for work. Probably the only way I won't be tempted.

why do I eat so much

Ok here is my day breakfast 2 cups of decaf - I have been eliminating my protein and I need to stop lunch salad with a little cheese, hard boiled egg and croutons. I figure about 400 calories with that and dressing I also had a chex cereal bar today and some pretzels, now that I think about it I had some cheetos too. OMG I am a pig when you write it all down. dinner whatever I make. tonight I had a slice and a half of pizza, but while I was waiting for it to cook I had some doritos, and a handful of chocolate chips. I know that was a terrible dinner and last nights wasn't any better. Then to top off the terrible day I picked up my teen at Burger king her first day of work. I bought mozzarella sticks, a piece of pie and french fries. Now I will say I only ate on mozzarella stick, and about 8 fries. I shared the pie with my three daughters so I probably only had about 5 bites. But .... it was just a bad day. And I had a bad day before that and before that and before that. If I didn't have the band I would have eaten way more but this just shows what an issue I have with food. I do feel restriction but obviously not enough but I think I need to really do something. This last 10 pounds that I want to lose will never come off. One because I eat like crap and two because I am pretty lazy. The biggest problem is I know what the problem is and I continue to repeat the cycle day after day after day. Anybody relate? Suggestions?

teenagers are a handful

totally off topic but I am going through some stuff with my teenager. she thinks she knows everything and we had her on punishment for some bad choices lets just say. Part of the punishment was no computer and phone. Come to find out after my husband and I have been going to bed she was taking my husbands computer and going online everynight. I am so mad. Not so much about the computer because it could be worse things but that she was going behind our back in our own house. When i ask her did she know she was doing wrong of course she said yes but she continued to do it. It wasn't just once or twice but almost everynight. Yes i am a heavy sleeper and I never thought she would go against us while we were in the house. So I am upset again, lost her trust again and am just sick of it. And what did I do first thing, just eat and eat. half a bag of cheetos, 3 cookies, bowl of cereal, hotdog, potatoes, handful of chocolate chips. And that was all last night. Tonight I had just about the same. I feel like I just can't stop. this is the addiction part of it I can't stop even when I know it is wrong and doing me no good. Which is why I can't get off this 176 pounds. Nor am I exercising. Anyone out there going to therapy and found any help in it? I seriously am considering it. Why can i not get past this terrible cycle of eating for stress and boredom? What a mess.

nothing like throwing up at Chuck E Cheese

Well Ithought the fill didn't work since I am still hungry and craving chocolate and banana milkshakes like no ones business. Tonight I went to Chuck E Cheese since my school was having a fundraiser there. I ordered a small pizza and when I say small it was small. Before the band I could have eaten the whole thing. I ate one peice very small peice I might add. And about 15 minutes later I started to eat my salad. Fast forward 4 minutes and I got that feeling something ain't right. Rush the bathroom and I guess you would call it a PB. Lots of spit then a big burp sound and viola a nice tablespoon or two of throwup. Then I feel better and read to eat more. I don't of course but the mental games that are going on in my mind is just a battle. When I got in the car I tried to eat a little more salad but didn't have a fork. I ate some crust and am done for the night. For lunch I had 1 scrambled egg and 2 slices of turkey bacon. Would have been a good day except I also ate a Twix bar. Yes both bars really 250 calories. last night since my husband is gone and why should I cook we went to Friendlys. Normally I would have ordered a turkey club melt with the fries and an order of mozzarella sticks and a happy ending sundae. Since sundaes make everything have a happy ending. But I ordered an appetizer size chicken quesadilla. I had one section, ran to the bathroom and had a very similar episode to the one I had tonight. I did eat about 10 mini carrots before I got there and I guess that sort of filled me up more than I knew it. When I got home 45 minutes later I finished the rest of the meal I started at Friendlys. See how weird that is! I mean shouldn't I only be able to eat one more slice instead of the 4 that were left? I guess that is what frustrates me about the band.

I got a fill last week

i decided to get a fill. It was my first one since Thanksgiving. She gave me 1.5 cc's a little more than I was expecting. I was on liquids the first day then soft the next. Basically I had two bowls of turkey chili that I made. Got down to 175. Today I had a little bit of chili. I started getting that feeling again and decided to walk very briskly back to my room so I could be there just in case. Good thing I did because as soon as I got there i started the spitting thing. Then I did a little throwing up just a few and boy did that feel better. So I guess the fill is working. However when I got on the scale today I was back to 177. What the heck. This is after a 5k I did on Saturday. I did terrible on the 5k. I was trying to beat my old 41 min time, except I forgot my watch. Which means I had no idea how slow I was going. I finished in 44 min. And the last two days I have been so sore. Why I have no idea but none the less my thighs and calves feel like I was stretched in one too many directions and i am walking like a 100 year old woman. I am still glad I got the fill, and hopefull it will get me to close my mouth a little faster. On the good news front I lost 16 pounds since I was at the Dr on Thanksgiving. She was very impressed and said I look great. I asked her if most people got plastic surgery. She said you are so young that you shouldn't need any. Your neck isn't sagging and your stomach looks so good. No mind you I think my stomach looks a hot mess but I guess when you are comparing much older people who have lost 100's of pounds mine does look better. She says just do some planks and you will strenghten your core. We'll see I still think if I do manage to lose another 10 or 15 I might need to get a tuck.

I wouldn't mind being up this late if...

I wouldn't mind being up this late if I didn't have to work tomorrow. You know maybe sleep in late, roll over and pull the covers up. But it is 3:30 in the morning and I have been up since 2. I don't know why, just woke up out the blue. So now I am online reading up on how to make the class more fun on St. Patrick's Day. I used to teach older grades so I never had to plan anything but it turns out 2nd graders still believe in little leprechauns and are expecting them to do something in the classroom.

Anywhooo I got on the treadmill yesterday and decided to increase my speed. I put it up to a 5.0 and could run for about a minute. Went down to a 3 then back up to 5. I guess it was like interval training but that wasn't my intention. I did a mile in 16 minutes. That is so pitiful. When I watch shows like Heavy or Biggest Loser and see these 300 pound people run for an hour I can't belive it. How come I can't run for 5 minutes.

In food news, I skipped my salad I packed today and ran to Chick Fill A. I got a chicken salad wrap and fries. I didn't eat the fries and I had half of the wrap for lunch and the other half for dinner. Guess that is not so bad. But I should also say I had three handfulls of m&m's, a cookie, and a bite of eggs also today. Maybe I should get a fill.

what to do?

Well I haven't lost any weight in a long time. and I know exactly why. I mean it is all about calories in, calories out. So I either need to eat less or exercise more.
Yesterday at recess i decided to run a lap with the kids. 1 lap is about 1/4 of a mile. Well let me tell you I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Now of course last year I wouldn't have been able to do it at all but I did it. Funny thing is the kids were like "we can walk as fast as you run, you should just walk" No mind you I am huffing and puffing the whole way. So this tells you it has been quite a while since i worked out.
There is a 5k coming in a few weeks put on by my school. I don't really want to do it unless I can run the whole way and since the 1/4 mile was a challenge I am thinking I won't be running.
I don't want to be embarrased around friends.

In other news I bought 2 pair of size 14 pants!!! Down from a size 22 when this all started. Now I still have mostly 16's in my closet since they still fit.

I think about getting a fill but then I think I really don't need a fill since I still have restriction I just need to close my mouth a little and stop eating so much. But then if I had more restriction maybe I wouldn't be able to eat as much. What I have been doing lately is eating waiting a minute to burp and then eating more. Should I get another fill I am at 10.5 cc's now and looking at others blogs I feel like i have more than anyone in my band.

it's been a while

Been a while since I blogged.
Been a while since I jogged.
Been a while since I got all my protein in.
Been a while since I drank 8 glasses of water.
Guess that is why it has been a while since the scale moved.

I have been enjoying Just Dance 2 which I got for my oldest daughter for christmas. It is fun and man it does work you out as long as you pick the right songs.
I saw that there is a half marathon in May. I am contemplating doing it just so I have something to shoot for. But man that is one long run, especially since I have never even run the whole 5 k.